What I wish I could tell my newly pregnant teenage self

He was screaming his walnut sized lungs off ... Literally for ten mins. He was fed, changed and I could of sworn he knew people were watching judging me. So he screamed a little louder. Fuck.

I remember the day I had first found out I was pregnant. I went to get a check up done (around the time they introduced Cervical testing and smears to young women). I also ended up taking a friend with me, to make the whole event seem more casual and less mundane. It was only early into my appointment when the doctor asked "is there any chance you could be pregnant". I almost fell off my chair and laughed; had her face not been so sour looking. I said NO, but agreed to take a test anyway. While waiting in reception for results, a wave of disgust had come over my body. My friend by this point was smiling awkwardly, probably just as nervous and pondering whether she still wanted to be my friend after this. I could imagine the millions of places I would of rather her be at this point but now she was stuck looking at me, feeling just as nervous, waiting for the million dollar result. When the doctor called my name back in to the room, I just knew that the test had come back positive.
"Your pregnant" she said with a slight look of disappointment on her face, I knew because I had felt the same way she was looking just moments before. This should have prepared me for a lot more of these exchanges when telling people further on down the track, but I was naive in thinking that people would be more understanding than her. I was only a teenager coming to the end of my high school life and now I was pregnant.

My pregnancy came with a stir of emotions, reactions and most definitely a lot of truths. For example I quickly realized who were my real friends, How much I needed my family, how much my life had now changed and most importantly gave me a whole new family to love. 
But none of it all mattered when he was born though. 

22 of March 2009

And he was perfect. A head full of hair, big eyes like his dad and a little button nose. He was and still is the most important and amazing boy to have ever taken my heart . (Naw cute)

And life had only just started. You know they tell you all the things that are hard once baby's born. You know things like the lack of sleep, not knowing why they're crying, constant fear of losing them every single day, the pain you get lodged in your heart when they're sick and you cant do anything, how you have a permanent look of a homeless bum everyday and how you will go for days without washing your hair occasionally. But no one tells you that if your a teen mum, all this will only amount to half of your worries.  

Your friends will still go out and party, they'll travel and study and still have time to do everything they plan within 24hrs. But you, you will be home with your baby, scrolling through your news feed watching them and promising to "catch up real soon". Your family will love being around your child and want to help in anyway they can, But they will also have opinions of whats best for him and what you should be doing with and for him because your still so young. Their intentions will be in the right place (ALWAYS)  for you both. But you'll still doubt your own abilities because of it. Your boyfriend, he will still love you afterwards and will still be there like you knew he would, but being romantic is not a priority and his attention is now on baby just like you. Alone time will now consist of falling asleep because your both exhausted. Hell appreciate that your attention will be on someone else and that you've eased off on suffocating his every move. He, like you, will be judged as a young dad too. You will go out with baby and although your a good mum and trying your best, everyone will look at you through the same "shes so young" glasses. People will talk, some will even tell you how they feel. Like that lady that told you shes not moving out of the pram and wheelchair seats because "your young enough to hold your pram and stand". Or like the man at the doctors that assumed, because his dad was at work while he had his jabs, that my child was fatherless. Or exactly like the old couple at the cafe that seemed nice at first but then asked if it was "our way of life" being teen mothers and brides?!?!?!

But YOU CHOSE THIS! and girl to that little human you are 'bad ass' So you need to keep on keeping on.

It took me a long time to brush off those ugly stares, to listen to peoples advice and take it with a grain of salt. To understand that you don't always need to get the "motherly instinct" that everyone talks about, you just need to love that baby and do everything in your power to ensure that he is looked after. You literally cant take in the judgement or over-bearing from anyone when it comes to your baby just because your young. Take it from me you will cry everyday otherwise. First of all you are a woman! There's no way in hell that you were able to hold a baby in your womb (for 9 long and draining months, FYI where was this so called baby glow); then push or have a c-section to enter them into the world, only to break down over horrible people. Your road ahead will be a lot harder then most. Your plans of a future will not be as thought out and in my case a lot easier then without him. The idea is to get your rhino skin (no I'm not talking about the stretchies either) but that thick skin out and rough it out. You ride and you die for the sake of that child and you make it work either way. You will get a chance to breath I promise you (thanks family) but it will only be rewarding everyday.  

I think being such a young mum is a lot of the reason that I only have just the one for this long. I realized that it was such a tough world being a parent still trying to understand how our earth worked. So uniformed, so naive, so stubborn and so blinded to the realities of  living. Now seven years down the track, I know that I would have been more equipped had we gotten pregnant with him today. But I don't ever regret the choice I made. I wouldn't have him otherwise, and the three of us wouldn't of had each other. But I don't want the same for him, or any of our babies after him. I don't regret the toughest parts of being his (young) mum and I only look forward to hopefully being a little more understanding, a wee bit more youthful in approaches to him one day becoming a teenager (arrrrrgh) and honestly just being a milf (Kidding) 

Disclaimer: I dont encourage youth pregnancy or being sexually active at a young age. This post started out as a stint of judgement and ended on with my own personal journal post (lol, sorry) 

WATCHING MY P'S AND Q'S

I was going through my most recent post last week, the way you do when your about to re-blog and  "mentally remind" yourself about who you are as a blogger (woah! so much work I know) and I got stuck into reading every single post. I cringed at every DAMN one. Who the hell was writing this shit?

I remember my first blog post too, it was about being empowered and empowering like minded women. I read over it the other day when I decided it was time to start blogging again and realized it sounded nothing like my everyday self.
I sat there thinking that the post all though were meant to be uplifting, didn't sound like it was something I wrote (or would say for that matter). Don't get me wrong, I believe in what I had said/wrote in every single one, I still do ..but, it was as if someone else had edited everything after my slang-riddled, dirty-minded, inappropriate ass had wrote it. I decided that my inner voice, was shut out by my beast of an insecurity to really show people who I was and how I really talk and act. That my ever-so often stereo type of being brown, uneducated and illiterate may be the reaction people would have if everyday Jo-Ellen had of used her own words. But girl who was I kidding? I was a fake, worst of all, I was a PLEASER.

It was a reflection of my own thoughts wrapped in the way I knew would be easier for people to swallow. I was being unauthentic, albeit to suit the reader. Shit if I wanted to swear then why didn't I just do it ? Its every freak'n second word I use ! Yet here I was "brushing up the old brain" to use words that could substitute all the colorful vocabulary I could have, to sound more socially acceptable. Quite frankly though, "F*ck that"

No-one needs to read another inspo post; wrapped up in candy-floss of someone being (trying to be) a been there, done that, aspiring blogger. Those same people who don't swear, use slang, or care waaaaay to much about how well their spell check work's and God forbid they don't go back to edit twenty times before they publish. They are also the same people that have the means to live and inspire people the way they do.

 It's a bunch of bullshit really, dictated by the platform we're given as women to have a voice . Just not the outspoken voice I had, that seemed to hang around the back of  my blog. It was like a sly snake at the back of the clubs, creeping for a girl to get drunk enough to cop a grope yet failed (yeah gross analogy but I did warn you I had a sick mind). My post were being systematically written for me, over fear of people judging me or how people would take to what I was writing. It was about being accepted as a blogger of blogs, oh hell, as a woman living in THIS century. Its, living in a world were your partner's, cousin's girlfriend (I kid you not, it's a bit of stretch this next part, but trust me keep up, there is a point) doesn't like you after she met your drunk alter ego at a club for five minutes and then chooses to talk about not liking you.  I know its hard not to listen to the asshole voice sitting on your shoulder; trying to talk you out of being your self .
Stand up to her, tell that bitch to GEEEEEET!

Why? Because she is the raw, authentic way of writing that may not always seem nice to look at but is still beautiful because she is real. The writing that you may have seen profanity and inappropriate language but could imagine every single thing she wrote, being said the way she would have said it. Because I/We don't need to confine our creative outlet to the structure of someone else.

Swear if you want to, do what you have to, live how you like to, but do it authentically . I always say I have more respect for a girl who owns her damn self . Do your thing boo. I will too.

I surround myself with like minded people, women at that; that have the same sick tastes, dirty minds and shitty jokes as myself. Like me these women are educated, respected in their homes/communities and have good jobs. More importantly though, are not afraid to say it however the hell they want . Here's a quick look to my ride or dies - holla! Yes I was raised right, my family didn't bring me up in an environment of teen talk and rap songs, but they did influence me to pursue the very depth of being myself, even if I don't always talk the way I should. I definitely always THINK the way I should. Kudos to my fam.  Thanks for reminding me that I don't need to fit in to that shitty, cookie-cutter, mouth shut, social standard box.

From now on, bullshit free posts and a whole new blog . I'll rip off the plaster, just hope your ok w looking at the 'scab'

By the way -While deleting, I kept my very first post to remind myself.


El