I was going through my most recent post last week, the way you do when your about to re-blog and "mentally remind" yourself about who you are as a blogger (woah! so much work I know) and I got stuck into reading every single post. I cringed at every DAMN one. Who the hell was writing this shit?
I remember my first blog post too, it was about being empowered and empowering like minded women. I read over it the other day when I decided it was time to start blogging again and realized it sounded nothing like my everyday self.
I sat there thinking that the post all though were meant to be uplifting, didn't sound like it was something I wrote (or would say for that matter). Don't get me wrong, I believe in what I had said/wrote in every single one, I still do ..but, it was as if someone else had edited everything after my slang-riddled, dirty-minded, inappropriate ass had wrote it. I decided that my inner voice, was shut out by my beast of an insecurity to really show people who I was and how I really talk and act. That my ever-so often stereo type of being brown, uneducated and illiterate may be the reaction people would have if everyday Jo-Ellen had of used her own words. But girl who was I kidding? I was a fake, worst of all, I was a PLEASER.
It was a reflection of my own thoughts wrapped in the way I knew would be easier for people to swallow. I was being unauthentic, albeit to suit the reader. Shit if I wanted to swear then why didn't I just do it ? Its every freak'n second word I use ! Yet here I was "brushing up the old brain" to use words that could substitute all the colorful vocabulary I could have, to sound more socially acceptable. Quite frankly though, "F*ck that"
No-one needs to read another inspo post; wrapped up in candy-floss of someone being (trying to be) a been there, done that, aspiring blogger. Those same people who don't swear, use slang, or care waaaaay to much about how well their spell check work's and God forbid they don't go back to edit twenty times before they publish. They are also the same people that have the means to live and inspire people the way they do.
It's a bunch of bullshit really, dictated by the platform we're given as women to have a voice . Just not the outspoken voice I had, that seemed to hang around the back of my blog. It was like a sly snake at the back of the clubs, creeping for a girl to get drunk enough to cop a grope yet failed (yeah gross analogy but I did warn you I had a sick mind). My post were being systematically written for me, over fear of people judging me or how people would take to what I was writing. It was about being accepted as a blogger of blogs, oh hell, as a woman living in THIS century. Its, living in a world were your partner's, cousin's girlfriend (I kid you not, it's a bit of stretch this next part, but trust me keep up, there is a point) doesn't like you after she met your drunk alter ego at a club for five minutes and then chooses to talk about not liking you. I know its hard not to listen to the asshole voice sitting on your shoulder; trying to talk you out of being your self .
Stand up to her, tell that bitch to GEEEEEET!
Why? Because she is the raw, authentic way of writing that may not always seem nice to look at but is still beautiful because she is real. The writing that you may have seen profanity and inappropriate language but could imagine every single thing she wrote, being said the way she would have said it. Because I/We don't need to confine our creative outlet to the structure of someone else.
Swear if you want to, do what you have to, live how you like to, but do it authentically . I always say I have more respect for a girl who owns her damn self . Do your thing boo. I will too.
I surround myself with like minded people, women at that; that have the same sick tastes, dirty minds and shitty jokes as myself. Like me these women are educated, respected in their homes/communities and have good jobs. More importantly though, are not afraid to say it however the hell they want . Here's a quick look to my ride or dies - holla! Yes I was raised right, my family didn't bring me up in an environment of teen talk and rap songs, but they did influence me to pursue the very depth of being myself, even if I don't always talk the way I should. I definitely always THINK the way I should. Kudos to my fam. Thanks for reminding me that I don't need to fit in to that shitty, cookie-cutter, mouth shut, social standard box.
From now on, bullshit free posts and a whole new blog . I'll rip off the plaster, just hope your ok w looking at the 'scab'
By the way -While deleting, I kept my very first post to remind myself.
El
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